The first step

I went to the gym today. I was doing the usual treadmill run when the memories suddenly rushed back and I felt the excruciating pain I have been friendly with since the past two months. Then I stopped. I sit on the bench and cried my eyes out. It was really painful and I just can’t hold my pain back anymore. I feel like I have been lied to myself. I have been telling my self I am fine, that I am ok, but I know I wasn’t. I wasn’t healed completely and no, I am not fine.

Truth be told, there were countless, countless miles of mindless driving. Countless coffee runs, jogs, hours of working out to sad drinking night that I thought would save me. It didn’t. I am not that strong-already-moving-on-bitch and it scares me to realize that it might took me longer to heal that I originally thought. But I am willing to take the first step. Owning your emotion is the first step.

This is the first step.

It all started with one innocent call. Immediately I found out I was cheated on. Big times. And after that, it was just series of crying and wailing and blaming game. It was excruciatingly painful and I will never, ever, wish this feeling on anyone. Then, there come days when I realised all my plans and dreams with you are crashed. They will never come true, and no matter how hard we try, no. We’ve tried enough. And it’s a no. I have to walk away.

There are days when things are fine. When my days started with a good run, followed with a successful calls or meetings, and ended with a tired night that I fell asleep right away. But there are also weekends I wish I could escape from. There are drive around Menteng that reminds me of you. There are songs I wish I will never listen to again, and there are bruises that don’t seem to fade away. Oh, you should really see what you really did there. You broke me into pieces. Such small pieces I can’t find my self-esteem anymore. I couldn’t collect my self-confidence anymore. It was all crash and burn and it left me with nothing. Nothing at all.

So, I don’t know where should I go from here. I am lost, I am sad, and I’ve never felt this kind of pain before. All I know is that: I have an amazing support system. The day you left, my friends came and never left me since. Then coming back home to the comfort of my mom’s hug becomes regular. I started replacing you and the memory of you with lots of meetups, dinners, to fun drives with people that actually choose me. It’s amazing how one person can ruin one’s life and the whole village got to do the whole fixings.

So this afternoon, I went for a dinner with an old friend I haven’t seen in a while. She said: “Gak apa-apa ya, Peh. Tuhan sengaja untuk yang jelek-jelek dibuang dari hidup lo. Tapi yang bagus-bagus: Karier lo, temen-temen lo, keluarga lo, keuangan lo, tetep di-keep dalam hidup lo. Karena emang Tuhan maunya yang bagus-bagus aja yang ada di hidup lo”.

:’)